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[personal profile] rockstarjoker
I just went and looked at my last entry.  FIVE years ago, my god!

I've been over at Tumblr most of the time, but why not make things more confusing and disjointed by stopping back here for a while?

Updates.  Let's see...Let's see.

Well, I still live in the valley.  But I'm liking it a lot more now that I'm in my own private apartment with just me and my wife.

That's right. me and my wife.  After almost a year and a half, it's still pretty exciting to say that.

I'm still at that same job- almost six years now.  I've gotten two promotions since then, but I really should have left a while ago.

Of course, I'm not going to get too down on myself- the last few years have been really hard, emotionally. 

I've been dealing with an alcohol problem since I was... well I started drinking when I was 12, so I don't really know how long its been going on.

Too long, I guess that's a right answer.

I'm almost at my 90 day mark now, though, and there are a lot of things about being sober that I don't like- I'm afraid people are going to think I'm a stick in the mud- I'm not, I promise!  I want everyone to have as much fun as possible.  I'm just not allowed to have it anymore.

That sounds terrible.  I'm trying to wash that sort of sourness out of my brain, but its hard.  It's hard to have to admit that you can't go on living the way you've lived, that the things you were doing to survive aren't going to help you thrive, that things have to change.

I've always been afraid of change.  But what I think I've learned is that things change whether you want them to or not, so you might as well be the one guiding it.

Married. Sober. Job... What else?

Oh.  I wrote a book. 

It's not a good one or anything.  I got through the second edit and realized that I had absolutely no chance of publishing, so it's sitting in a file  getting dusty-  can books get dusty if they're electronic?   E-Dust? 

I'm alright with it, though.  I'm working on a screenplay- well, a teleplay.  A pilot for a television series. 

I don't really know why I'm doing that.  Because my degree is in screen writing, I guess. 

My friends- I don't have very many- are all into writing.  We've started talking about it again.  One of them has this amazing stamina, even when she works two jobs or commutes like crazy or has a million things going on, she still wrote, wrote, wrote. 

I don't have that drive.  I mean, I have a drive- just not that one.  She has this burning conviction that if she just keeps on working her ass off, eventually it will play out, she'll move into that world.  She'll achieve her dreams.

I wish I was that- I don't want to say naive because I always feel like there's an implication of stupidity attached to that word, and this woman is anything but stupid.  She is convinced.  She is self assured, she is GOING to be what she wants- just nothing's worked out yet.  I wish I had the confidence to feel that way, the courage to admit what I wanted out loud, the sheer bullheadedness to settle for nothing less.

But that's not me.  I'm marginally talented, minorly interested and majorly lacking in connections.  And I know it, that's where the problem is.  I know that I'm only fantasizing about things going well for me.  It would take a miracle- a no shit miracle- for all of the words I waste to turn into a career.  Everyone and their mother is a writer now.  It's great in that there are new voices out there (if you look for them- because you wouldn't know it if you only watch mainstream media) but it also reminds me that I'm nothing special.

I remember a story (though not well enough to recall the name, of course) where a character was gossiping about another character who wanted to be a writer, and they said "Well, she thinks she can write, but really she just knows how to type."

That's what I always think I am.  I'm typing into the void, pretending that I might someday have an audience. 

My audience is filled up of people like me, though, waiting for everyone else to come be their audience.

It's not so bad, really.  This new thing I'm working on is fun.  I'll show it to my friends at our next group.  We'll take turns reading each other's stuff.  It's not a career, sure, but it's a damn fine hobby. 

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Jassie B

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